Monday, July 22, 2013

Feeling Human

I waited a long to be a mother. I mean a long time. I dreamed about being a mom when I was a little girl. In my head I had children with every guy I dated (not many since Ray and I have been together for about 15 years). It was part of my life plan to be a mother. I learned the hard way. Someone else is control of when things will happen. I bought a house young, I married young, I graduated from college twice before I was 25 years old. I had (still have) a great job and now a career. But man I just wanted to have children. I prayed and I did everything humanly possible to plan for a family. Crap, I bought a van before I EVER became pregant just so I could be "prepared" I knew it would just happen. Like having a van was going to make me more fertile or something!! Crazy I know but it's all I could eat, sleep and think about. Well, after 7 years of trying to convieve we became pregant with Grace in 2009 and lost her at 22 weeks. To say the least we were devistated. Heart broken. We became grieving parents before we could be parents.With all tragetey comes hope. We became pregnant with Parker in 2010. We were blessed with a beautiful baby boy in November. So excited to become parents!
Then reality kicked in. Good lord I am glad that things happen for a reason at the right time. No one is ever "ready" to be a parent. We were ready with every gadget imaginable and read every book. Parker stayed home with us until he was 8 months old and I breast fed him during this time. We made it work and loved the baby months. He started school at 10 months and then came "sickness & health" part of our ride. After 2 sets of tubes, adnoids removed, toddler bed transition at 18 months and many more trials and tribultations we were just tired!! I was angry, sad and at times resentful. Looking back I can say I suffered from Postpartum Depression. I couldn't see it then. Now that I am out of the fog I know that I struggled. The first two years where rough. We still have good days and bad. Accidents happen and I am in a much better place to handle those rough patches. I have a great husband and he too gets frustrated. We seem to balance each other out and take over when the other one needs a break.
I (we) also have another saving grace, Parker's grandparents. We couldn't have made it this far without their help. They made a committment to Parker at a very eary age that they would have his stay over at least once a month so he could get use to spending the night at their house. They see Parker at least once a week but try to see him more. WE all look forward to times when Parker goes to visit or stay the night with Papaw and Grandma Terry. Even for just a short while I feel human again. I feel like the me before I had kids. During this "regroup" time I feel like super women and enjoy those hours just being me. Being a mom is part of me but sometimes it nice to step away from that role and enjoy just being me.
Parker loves his grandparents dearly and loves to create special memories with them both. You can see from the joyful pictures below that Parker has a special spot in his grandparents heart. They love him more than anything and we appriciate all the love an support they give all of us. I wouldn't have made it this far without them and I want them and the whole world to know how special they are!! 

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